Shopping Trip
by Aisling Yinyr Ngaio
Summary: The team makes an emergency stop for groceries and other things at a normal supermarket. Crackfic.


_**Shopping Trip  
**An Agents of SHIELD fanfic by Aisling Yinyr Ngaio  
_

* * *

Ward surveyed the noisy cargo hold with a grim expression, and not for the first time, asked his team leader, "Remind me again why we're doing this, sir?"

Coulson only smiled as he fondly surveyed the bickering trio arguing over lists of paper. "Because as a mere consultant, Skye doesn't qualify for the mandatory SHIELD depo shots, and she's never had the time to restock on... some things."

Ward sighed. "And why can't we put in a requisition instead?"

Coulson raised a brow. Sometimes he forget how very young Ward was. "Setting aside the fact that our next resupply is in a fortnight, since all female agents are on depo, it would probably take at least a month for SHIELD to fully approve purchases for new items. " He paused, then added, "One of these days you should really visit our purchasing department."

The younger man raised an incredulous look at his Commanding Officer, a look that clearly wondered _how hard could it be?_ As a last ditched effort, Ward casually inquired, "So why exactly are the _four_ of us heading out together?"

"Well, Skye needs her tampons, Fitz has a pathological need to visit every supermarket to 'get the feel of local culture' every chance he gets, and apparently Simmons likes to challenge herself by browsing for ingredients she can use in her experiments while helping Fitz shop for food."

"And me?" Ward would've yelled it in frustration if he wasn't aware of the fact that he was speaking to his superior. He seriously reconsidered his first impulse when the other man turned to him with a smug little smirk and confided, "Because I have the power of delegation, Agent Ward. Don't crash the Short Bus while on this mission. You have three hours."

Ward choked back his shout of "_three hours?!_"at Coulson's retreating back only because May's voice came blaring over the PA system. "Touchdown in five, everyone buckle up!"

* * *

Ward didn't know if it was May's dark humour that made her land a good half hour from the nearest supermarket, because after enduring half an hour of non-stop arguing over shopping lists and food choices (_"Why would you even buy two frozen whole chickens when we don't even have a freezer for food, Fitz? Or an oven, for that matter!"_), he was almost wishing that she would've dropped them off over the supermarket in parachutes instead of taking unholy joy from torturing him with escort duty. It was only luck that he was rarely appealed to concerning the argument, which was still ongoing since before they left the Bus, but as it was, he was nearly done mentally cursing his way through his vocabulary of swear words in all six languages he knew when they arrived at their destination.

"Now remember, we grab the items on the list, we pay, _and we leave_!" Ward barely reined in the impatience from his voice.

His little trainee though, had other ideas. "Nuh-uh, Ward! Coulson said we have three hours! That's two hours minus the drive to and fro... I timed it! Do you know how long it's been since we're off that Bus for something other than missions and work?"

"But-"

"Is it really going to be two hours over at the tampon section, Skye?" Fitz cut in curiously. "Surely there can't be _that_ many choices in there."

"Listen-" Ward tried to take control of the conversation again, but his efforts were in vain when Simmons answered as his three colleagues moved rapidly and excitedly towards the building entrance, "Oh Fitz, have you never bought any for your mum bef-"

"NO!" the Scottish engineer was equal parts appalled and fascinated at the very idea. "Are you mental? My mum always told me to wait outside the aisle and hides that stuff underneath the cart. Why would I ever buy that stuff?"

Skye seemed pleasantly scandalized at the thought. "Well, Fitz, maybe it's time you expanded your horizons," she smiled cheekily before suddenly swapping their lists with a flourish. "There we go! A learning experience for you, and it won't cost you ten minutes!"

Ward was as shocked as Fitz at the last development, but by the time they recovered, Skye had grabbed a rolling trolley and raced away with a "Come on, Simmons! Let's go buy Fitz's haggis!" Fitz hastily grabbed another trolley and set off in hot pursuit after the women, leaving Ward to keep up with them.

Internally wondering why he was running to catch up with his colleagues on a non-mission, Ward tried to stop his overexcited teammates, whom had taken to an impromptu game of "catch me if you can". He would commiserate with Fitz's agonized waving of Skye's list to the sounds of Simmons and Skye's laughter if they didn't make it so hard to get them to listen to him.

"Guys! Can we just-"

Ignoring him completely, Fitz desperately wove between other shoppers with his trolley in front, almost as if he'd had practice racing in a semi-crowded store. "Skye, give me back my list! Simmons, help me out here! Please?"

"Fitz! All of you, slow down! This is not a race!"

Far ahead of the men, Simmons barely spared a glance behind her as she and her co-conspirator began rapidly filling up their trolley, a feat in itself since Fitz had yet to catch up with them. "Hurry, Fitz, or you'll be the last to get everything and lunch will be on you!"

"Can you just stop for a moment-"

Fitz spluttered in horror, just barely escaping Ward's restraining arm. "What? That's not fair! I can't go _in_ there! It's not right! _Simmons_!"

Growling, Ward finally gave up and shouted across the length of the canned food aisle, "GUYS STOP RUNNING AROUND THE LIMIT IS TWO HUNDRED BUCKS AND I'M NOT PAYING ANYTHING ABOVE IT WITH THE EXPENSE ACCOUNT YOU HEAR?!"

This however, had the unfortunate consequence of setting off the child buggies all along that aisle, as toddlers and infants starting screaming and crying, almost in a concerted effort to out-yell the disturbing adult male who still went unheard by his intended targets. Of course, they heard only the synchronised child tantrum competition and gave it the barest of glances before taking off once again into the next aisle, leaving a very red-faced Ward with a sea of irate parents, glaring daggers at him while they comforted their children.

Mumbling silent apologies under his breath as he escaped in the other direction with his head hung low, he nearly collided with a speeding, half-filled trolley when he headed over to the other aisle. Quick as a flash, he reached out just in time to grab Skye's arm and halt her progress, allowing Fitz to catch up as he hissed venomously, "Seriously, what the _hell_ is wrong with you guys? You're SHIELD agents and yet you're running around having a shopping war?"

Over Skye and Simmons talking over each other - "_I_'m not an agent yet, my S.O.-" "Well, _she_ started it." - Fitz parked his trolley and, neat as he pleased, lifted his list and swapped it with the one Simmons was holding. Skye immediately reached over to filch it back, tutting, "Fitz, don't you want to have a new experience? Are you sure you never wondered what's inside that mysterious section?"

Fitz almost squeaked, "What? No! Why would I need to anyway? I'm a _guy_!"

Skye raised an eyebrow and, turning her attention to Simmons, asked, "You've never made him…?" Simmons only shrugged, not even needing to reply when Skye answered herself, "Ah, depo."

Ward resisted the very real urge to physically facepalm, and tried to take back control of the situation. "Skye, give Fitz his list back and take yours. Let's just finish this soon and get back to the Bus, all right? Clock's ticking."

Unfortunately, his feisty trainee agent had other ideas. Ward should have known better than to draw her attention to himself when she was in one of her quirky, playful moods. He certainly grew wary when she eyed the "safe" list in her hands, then raised her eyes to slyly contemplate her Supervising Officer.

And then she smiled. Evilly.

"Say, _Ward_," she drawled slowly, swapping lists with Simmons and waving the offending scrap of paper under his nose. "Maybe _you_ can take Fitz on a field trip there?"

* * *

Coulson and May were both there to greet the returning party at the cargo hold when they drove up, right on their three-hour mark. As May left to commence takeoff, impressed at their punctuality, Ward marched up to a supremely indulgent Coulson, ignoring the bustling trio behind him busily unloading bags and bags of items with all the excitement of their first shopping trip together, and requested in the politest voice possible for a man on the edge of murder, "Can we _please_ get that purchase order into HQ in time for the next restocking, sir?"

_- Finis -_


End file.
